Tuesday January 17th, 2016

I was on the way home from vacation & the plane I was on was experiencing significant turbulence. I wanted to know what to do because I was afraid & uncomfortable. So I asked & GOD said you don’t get anywhere because you are unwilling to be uncomfortable. Okay. I then answer & respond to a few questions that pop up next. Am I willing to ALLOW myself to be at peace OR find peace in this discomfort? Yes. Am I willing to consciously & purposefully FIND the pocket of peace that exists right here on this plane in this window seat? Yes. Quite honestly I could’ve easily said I really have no choice but to be okay because I’m stuck here but that’s not entirely true. I am on this plane, I am in the air & I currently can not say or do anything to change either of those 2 things. Those few things are true. But I DO have a choice as to how I respond to the circumstances I am find myself in. I could honestly allow discomfort & fear to properly high jack this spirit & think & feel for me. Instead I asked the universe what it needed from me. I am present. I am here. What is it you want? Then I waited. It said give me your presence. Give me MY attention that is owed to me. That was all it required of me & I gave it. I used what was around me, the sound of the plane’s engine humming & I listened. I listened to everything around me in the middle of all this turbulence. A few minutes later I noticed I was calm. I asked myself if I was okay. I was & I noticed the plane was too. I asked myself if I found peace & I did. Mission accomplished. I won therefore I was successful & all that was required was my presence.

P.S. The question is “How do I remain still in the middle of turbulance?” The answer is to be present & give it your attention.

P.S.S. There’s a word in there did you see it?

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TAKE STOCK OF YOUR OWN SELF

My S.O. recently started working overnight & before he got home I had made him breakfast. I left to go grocery shopping & 2 hours later I came back & he was asleep. I made him lunch so he wouldn’t have to worry about cooking because he was so tired. He had worked 12 hours & 15 the night before. I made him lunch & felt a sense of pride in myself. It wasn’t because I was playing out some typical female stereotype. It was because often I don’t have an accurate perspective on myself & in that moment I caught myself being kind & lovable & thoughtful & I felt full of joy. In that moment I removed myself from my self & fell into the gap with the silent witness & fell in love with myself because I realized I’m not as bad I thought.

God! We are SO HARD on OURSELVES & often times we don’t take the time to really observe ourselves. I realized that I never really pay attention to me. I am a sweet loving person naturally. I don’t identify those actions as loving & thoughtful & kind & considerate. I actually do things for the most part with no thought at all. But when I take proper inventory of myself I’m aware of really how nice I am. I didn’t always think I’m a nice person because someone’s always telling me I’m mean or I’m evil & I begin to seriously doubt myself. I understand why I act out sometimes. I recognize that those behaviors come from a place of hurt. But none of that erases the fact that I am very thoughtful & extremely loving, responsible, dependable & reliable. I work hard, I try hard, I think hard, entirely too hard sometimes. But I’m walking around on this earth just really wanting to be a good human being & there really isn’t that much bad inside of me. Most things that people would consider bad behavior when analyzed properly essentially come from a place of pain being acted out. Knowing this, I can have compassion for myself & understand that all I need is a little love, much like the love I give to others.

It is so refreshing, it feels so good to realize that I really am a nice person, a nice woman, a loving woman. Why would I think otherwise to begin with? From childhood, one way or another I was invalidated by others & for this reason I invalidate myself. It is so easy to accept what is said to you about you when you, your experiences and/or your feelings are never given a space to exist. Look at yourself on the inside & notice the times when you are loving, notice when you’re kind, protective, sweet, caring, dependable, reliable, and/or considerate. Give yourself love for those acts. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. You’re not as bad as you think. None of us are as bad as we think. Give yourself the opportunity to realize how wonderful you are. Be kind to yourself.

PRAY FOR YOUR “ENEMIES”

Today I was thinking about someone who hurt me. I thought about how angry I felt towards them & about what they did to me. I felt the most & the strongest amount of hatred towards this person than I had ever felt in a very long time. Then I thought about a message that had been given to me sometime before. “What you do to others you do to yourself”. That also means what you wish for others you wish for yourself. So if I hate another & I wish ill will & suffering for another I also hate & wish ill will & suffering for myself. It also stands to reason that when this someone betrayed me they were actually betraying themselves. So instead today I prayed that God allow them to see the effects their actions have on others. I asked God to allow them to see the damage they cause through their destructive behaviors. By doing so I am being loving & kind to them. I am also being loving & kind to myself because when I asked God to show them the negative affects their behavior has on others, I also prayed that prayer for myself. I also asked that God may allow me to see how I cause death & destruction along the way as I relate to other people.  So I say pray for your enemies knowing that your enemies are merely a reflection of yourself. Which means no one is our enemy.  There is no difference between me & you. We have no enemies if what I do to you I do to myself because doing to you is the same as doing to self. Instead of hating myself I will love myself including all reflections of me.

IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD

Me & my God were talking in the shower this morning about how I have an ungrateful spirit. I was talking to God about how I know I should be grateful but I really just don’t feel it. A few minutes later when I got out I got the urge to pray so I called my boyfriend & started to give God thanks. This a little bit of that conversation about thanks between me & God afterwards.

God I just want to say thank you. I was walking home from work the other day & I saw a young man walk up under the bridge. I asked my boyfriend where he was going my boyfriend told me he lived there. I thank you God cause it’s really not that bad. I have a key to turn & central heating & air conditioning. That young man has to sleep outside in the elements & as much as I complain it’s really not that bad for me. Thank you. There once was a time where my former boyfriend lost his job & my job cut my hours & things were tight. I was scared & so was he because we didn’t know how we were going to pay our rent. I thank you God because it’s not that bad for me. I am able to purchase groceries & all my bills were paid on time if not early last month. All my needs were met. Thank you.

I complain a lot sometimes. Too much for my own liking & my own good. It’s really not bad at all. We think it is but then when you hear about the people of Flint, Michigan being given contaminated water, have to spend money on bottled water just to take a bath, children being permanently brain damaged & still getting a monthly bill for two years for water they can not use, you realize all you have been complaining for is really nothing at all. Some people have REAL problems & not being able to attend Jouvert this year ain’t it. Thank you God for my circumstances because it really could be so much worse.

love yourself, love life, love god

MY THOUGHTS ON PEACE

I was telling God once I needed peace. I was explaining the situation. I work 40 hours a week. My schedule is never the same. I get my schedule the Wednesday before the week starts so I feel I don’t have enough time to plan. The man is always home so I have no time to myself etc. I explained what I wanted. I want to wake up at 6 & have absolute & total quiet until about 9 or 9:30. I want 1 day a week totally to myself. The same day every single week. I want 1 day with the man, preferably Sunday & I want to not have to deal with people until about 12. I was very specific.

You know what God told me? Stop waiting for circumstances to show up the way you want them to before you do what you need to do for yourself. God said you can’t wait “until” for you to find peace. You won’t need peace then but you need it now. God said you need it here during this time not when the struggle is over. She said take peace where you can get it. Enjoy peace where & when you find it & take advantage of the peace that is present all around you.

The world is not going to stop for you & why should it? It doesn’t revolve around you or any of us. People are not going to organize their lives to accommodate me & it would be delusional of me to think they should. I wrote a blog post once about not waiting for others to celebrate you. If you wait on others you might be waiting a lifetime & what if it never happens? The same rule applies here. If I wait on a particular set of circumstances to show up in my life I might never get what I want. Peace is present always & I don’t have to look for it because it never left me. Thank you God because that was a blessing to me.

*on a side note*
You see how God answers prayers? Fast quick & in a hurry. I asked for peace & God said “Girl boo. Here I got all kinds of that which one you want? LOL

love yourself, love life, love god

MEDITATIVE THOUGHTS: PRIDE

Pride is not a problem as much as the lying we do for the sake of it. We lie to hide that we need or want stuff that we’re too afraid or ashamed to admit or acknowledge we want or need. We tell ourselves lies like “I’m okay.” & “It doesn’t hurt.” We lie to others because we have to maintain the lie we tell to ourselves. It is this denial that is the sin. When we say we don’t need that also means we don’t ask & because we don’t ask we don’t get. We essentially are our own undoing. Me & my shame & the lies I tell because of that shame are the cause of my continued suffering. It is the lie not the pride that is at fault. Tell the truth today even if it’s only to yourself.

Today I’m grateful for

1. Time to myself
2. The understanding you’ve given me
3. The honesty I felt in saying those things
4. The blessings you give me by saying the truth to myself
5. The observations I have while telling the truth

Today I thank God for

1. The blessing that come with meditating
2. The loving lessons you brought me this morning
3. The loving honesty

love yourself, love life, love god

A WOUND NEEDS A WITNESS

When I was younger I called myself Harriet the Spy because I observed everything & wrote it down. I kind of enjoyed knowing what everyone was talking about & not saying anything. I liked the fact that I knew secrets & didn’t tell anyone what I knew. I just wrote them down because I was a spy & that’s what spies do. It was fun. I enjoyed writing.

At some point people became curious & started reading my secrets, private thoughts, feelings, everything. All of it was there & they read it. That was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened. I didn’t talk to my parents because they weren’t available. I didn’t have any friends really. I honestly did not feel safe around people.

I stopped writing for a really long time. I could no longer keep a journal. I could start but I couldn’t finish. I was always scared to write down what I was feeling in fear of someone finding it & reading it & using it against me. Writing was my safe place. The ONLY place I ever felt safe was on a page. Here there was no judgement, no fear. I could say exactly what I wanted & I had control. Pure freedom. Between those pages I could be the me I wanted to be & not the me I pretended to be because I kept the real me safely inside.

So cut to about a year ago & I’m experiencing something difficult & all I want to do is write about it but I’m seriously afraid. I am afraid because if I talk about the experience from my perspective, as I really want to, I suspect someone will find it & use my private self against me. I make the decision to suck it up & bury it they way I did everything else.

I’m talking to someone about my decision to start a blog a few months ago. The topic of my past experience comes up. I tell her I’m afraid of what people would think & how they will treat me after. She says to me (to paraphrase) she understands my fear & that it definitely is a tricky situation but it is my responsibility to do what is necessary to make myself feel better. I have attempted to have certain conversations with members of my family about things but it hasn’t helped. I have been to counseling about 3 times & it helps but the problem is still sitting in my system. I need to talk about it in a space where I am free. I heard Iyanla say once a wound needs a witness. My wounds need one too. Even if the only witness is me.

With all this being said, I write this blog because it is my responsibility to make myself feel better. I write this blog because I am claiming a space for myself to be as I am without judgement. I write this blog because I need to tell the truth about my experiences even if it’s only to myself.

love yourself, love life, love god

THIS IS AWKWARD BUT LETS GO FOR IT

If you really want something you’ll find a way. If you don’t you’ll find an excuse.

I say I want a lot of things but those “lot of things I want”, I don’t have them. Do I really want them? Or do I want to do enough to get by? I’ve laid out a structure for how I want my life to go. I have it all planned out. A very disciplined life in which there is yoga in the morning, meditation twice a day & vegan meals every day. There is journaling, deep thinking & realizations going on. I get satisfaction from feeling productive & my accomplishments. It doesn’t work out that way.

A friend would ask me all the time, “If you could do ANYTHING & get paid for it what would you do?” My answer was always “Live.” It sounds like a stupid answer to me because most people would usually name some profession. Living is a given. You don’t need to get paid for that but that’s always what I’ve said. It sounded like a somewhat unrealistic dream but I knew in my mind it would be possible. Live the life I want and get paid to simply be.

It started with my frustration with the act of being employed by others & everything that means. Punching a clock, having to take instruction from someone you consider incompetent, putting up with company policy that is so fucking stupid, messy ass coworkers that stay in your assigned tasks & never in their own, having to do THE MOST to get the TINIEST of raises if you even get one at all, no loyalty in the work place, employers firing you with no notice but expect you to give them two weeks before you leave, etc. All of it is a form of bondage to me. Having to play according to the rules of workplace politics doesn’t feel natural to me because it’s not. I would really like to tell my boss, “I’m gonna see my period in a week & you trying my patience with your ‘white man’ bullshit today”, but if I do I lose my job & I can’t do that right now. I really just want to be human everywhere I go & not feel I have to be what others need all the time. Not being able to be myself is exhausting. Being employed by others requires from you what they don’t give in return. I genuinely hate it but I do it because I am not in a position to employ myself fulltime. I went to college but I do not have a college degree because I didn’t finish. For that reason, at the time I felt it limited me in terms of job opportunities & especially how much I get paid. Add to that I’m not a woman who knows the art of properly negotiating pay. I hated how much I got paid & still do. I always said in order for someone to pay me what I’m worth they would have to cover ALL of my living expenses. They would have to pay me how much it would cost me to live my life the way I see fit. No employer is going to do that with out you giving up something more valuable in return.

So cut to this blog. I genuinely want this to be a place where I am free & I can tell the truth where I feel I can’t tell it elsewhere. I want to give people permission to tell the embarrassing truth about things by being able to do it myself. I want to live my life & blog about it, hoping it will be okay for others to tell the truth they hide even from themselves.

So here’s my embarrassing truth for this week.
1. I procrastinate.
2. I make excuses & I’m not exactly sure which ones are actually legitimate, if at all.
3. I’m lazy.
4. I’m impatient.
5. As much as I want this as a profession, every time I step to this page I am frozen by fear.
6. Sometimes I’m a real bitch & I HATE it.
7. I’ve got a mean streak that needs to properly be addressed because it’s getting out of hand.
8. I’ve got to do something about my anger.
9. I’m scared I will fail.
10. I’m inconsistent.

These are embarrassing for me to admit but if I don’t say it I will continue to make some excuse & be here next year talking about the same shit. If I say it maybe I won’t afraid anymore & move from doing enough to get by & into finding a way to what I really want.

love yourself, love life, love god

I DON’T NEED TO QUALIFY MY WORTH

Sometimes we feel it’s better to believe negatively about ourselves than to believe positively. We feel if we believe we’re worthy someone will come along & show us that we’re not & then it will hurt so much more because we thought something of ourselves & we were wrong. We feel if we believe the bad things instead we can never be wrong.

What if I believe I’m worthy of love & respect & someone comes along & mistreats me? If I’m unsure of myself I feel I’m not worth enough because of the way I’m treated. We might not think we’re good enough to demand love & respect from others because we think we’re ugly, we don’t have a car, good credit, a good paying job or lots of money. Some of us think we must not be in a position to be demanding because we lack so much; a good face, little waist, fat ass or long hair. We can think & feel one way about ourselves but if others don’t see us as we see us we feel we might as well defer to their judgement because it’s safer.

Self confidence is great but we are not always self confident. We see everyone’s Facebook statuses & Instagram photos & wonder “Why can’t I be that confident all the time?” They’re not even confident all the time. What you’re seeing is the best of 10,000 bad moments. The strongest of a dozen weak. Confidence sometimes is a REAL struggle for all of us. I once read something on valuing ourselves in which it talks about the different perspectives we could take. I reviewed them all & came to my own conclusion. Don’t try to “place” value on yourself.

The moment I try to measure or quantify my value is the moment I set myself up for disappointment. What if you come up with a list of all the reasons you are worthy of love, valuable, etc. & one of those reasons no longer apply? Does your value change? Does your worth go up or down dependent upon how many things in your list are currently true? Instead I choose to say this:

I’m here.

It might seem a little anticlimactic but think about it. That’s a really big deal.

love yourself, love life, love god