About four months ago I left a relationship of five years. I loved him & cared for him more than I loved & cared for myself. That was one of many problems. One day I packed up my shit & moved the hell out & I won’t go back. 

I recently participated in a grant program through the logistics department of the local college. They were offering an opportunity to recieve up to eight certifications recognized by the CSCMP ( Council of Supply Chain Management Professionals) I knew absolutely nothing about logistics but I figured if the government was paying for it then why not?

The grant program would be over March of the this year so I decided I wanted to acquire all eight (being an over achiever & what not). While I was with ol’ boy it took me two months to complete one. I dropped homeboy & in three months had completed the remaining seven courses, passed all seven exams & obtained the remaining certifications giving me all eight before the start of 2017. Hell, I was done before Christmas, leaving me with three months left before the grant program was over. 

While I was with ol’ dude I couldn’t see any headway & felt as if I could never get ahead. No matter how many steps I took forward I ALWAYS ended up having to start all over. I found myself helping him do some shit that he was fully capable of doing himself but for whatever reason didn’t.

I was operating under the false idea that as a couple I was supposed to help him make sure his shit was together so that I could move too because I was not supposed to move without him. “I move, you move, we move, together.” Nope. Naw. That’s not where it’s at because he never moved. I moved… out… without him.

My dad is the type of man that is very impatient. He doesn’t like to wait for anybody. They call him Ago because “He always ah go” (West Indian thing) While I don’t agree with his lack of patience I do say this for my father, he damn sure doesn’t let anyone waste his time. 

You see that? Let me bring it in a little closer in case you missed it.

MOVE! THE HELL! ON! 

I had been trying the entire relationship to accomplish certain things & they never happened because his ass was always holding me up. In all honesty I believe it was purposefully (we can discuss that at a later time). To keep it simple, I continued to let him do it for five years because I was afraid. Of what? Lots of things, but one of them had to do with what would replace him if he left, because there was a void he was filling that I didn’t want to confront. As soon as I realized it wasn’t worth it & he wasn’t either, I made my plans & when I saw an opportunity I dipped. 

If you find yourself feeling stagnant ask yourself if you have people in your life that are holding you up. Then ask yourself why you let them do it. 💋💋💋

I am beautiful. I used to not be able to say that about myself. There are 2 times that specifically remebmber being able to say it, know it & have experiential knowledge of this. Once before I met my now ex boyfriend and now. 

Some might think that I’m vain. Hell I even think I’m vain sometimes but I AM actually quite beautiful. I look good in my skin. I want to wake up every single day & feel beautiful. I want to wake up every single day, look at myself & say I’m beautiful. I want to wake up & smile & be excited about who & what I see. Looking at myself now I think I’m beautiful. 

There are definitely times in my life when I would look at myself & say some ugly things about & to myself. Now, I wear mendhi to decorate my hands, adorn my ears with cuffs to draw attention to how cute my ears are. I wear clothes to hug my shape & compliment my figure. This body was made by GOD with all if it’s wonderful imperfections. I love my big ol’ eyes that penetrate the soul & see all that usually goes unnoticed. Now my hair is my favorite thing to look at.  There are 3 to 4 tiny gray hairs that mingle amongst the other strands, hiding, curling, tucking themselves in between. 

I love my legs, arms, chest, shoulders & booty. Yea I said it & she’s been known to be on ten as of late. I LOVE my complexion. It’s a nice buttery toffee colored honey. I have a good ol’ golden bronzed & copper tone, depending on which part of me you’re looking at. 

I also just discovered a new appreciation for the dimple in my chin when the same “flaw” showed up on my nephew’s absolutely adorable face. GOD made no mistakes when he made me at all. Even my imperfections are perfect.

So why am I talking about all of this? Because I am SO grateful to be able to see myself in this way. I was once in a relationship in which I felt worthless. I literally thought I had no value at all unless someone loved me. I believed I had no purpose unless somebody else loved me. Instead I love myself & I know my value exists independent of whether or not someone other than me loves me. 

Looking at myself & being able to say I’m pretty & beautiful instead of saying “You’re ugly, worthless, not good enough etc. is such a. blessing. Before I felt shame. Then I discovered that shame is a step above death (more on that at another time) & my spirit wasn’t having none of that. So I took my time & slowly picked myself up from that & I continue to go in the opposite direction even now.

So I say LOVE YOURSELF! LOVE! YOUR! SELF!

It’s a simple statement but I know it’s easier said than done sometimes. Do whatever you have to do to be able to look at yourself the way you want others to look at you. I promise you it’s one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

I was on the way home from vacation & the plane I was on was experiencing significant turbulence. I wanted to know what to do because I was afraid & uncomfortable. So I asked & GOD said you don’t get anywhere because you are unwilling to be uncomfortable. Okay. I then answer & respond to a few questions that pop up next. Am I willing to ALLOW myself to be at peace OR find peace in this discomfort? Yes. Am I willing to consciously & purposefully FIND the pocket of peace that exists right here on this plane in this window seat? Yes. Quite honestly I could’ve easily said I really have no choice but to be okay because I’m stuck here but that’s not entirely true. I am on this plane, I am in the air & I currently can not say or do anything to change either of those 2 things. Those few things are true. But I DO have a choice as to how I respond to the circumstances I am find myself in. I could honestly allow discomfort & fear to properly high jack this spirit & think & feel for me. Instead I asked the universe what it needed from me. I am present. I am here. What is it you want? Then I waited. It said give me your presence. Give me MY attention that is owed to me. That was all it required of me & I gave it. I used what was around me, the sound of the plane’s engine humming & I listened. I listened to everything around me in the middle of all this turbulence. A few minutes later I noticed I was calm. I asked myself if I was okay. I was & I noticed the plane was too. I asked myself if I found peace & I did. Mission accomplished. I won therefore I was successful & all that was required was my presence.

P.S. The question is “How do I remain still in the middle of turbulance?” The answer is to be present & give it your attention.

P.S.S. There’s a word in there did you see it?

My S.O. recently started working overnight & before he got home I had made him breakfast. I left to go grocery shopping & 2 hours later I came back & he was asleep. I made him lunch so he wouldn’t have to worry about cooking because he was so tired. He had worked 12 hours & 15 the night before. I made him lunch & felt a sense of pride in myself. It wasn’t because I was playing out some typical female stereotype. It was because often I don’t have an accurate perspective on myself & in that moment I caught myself being kind & lovable & thoughtful & I felt full of joy. In that moment I removed myself from my self & fell into the gap with the silent witness & fell in love with myself because I realized I’m not as bad I thought.

God! We are SO HARD on OURSELVES & often times we don’t take the time to really observe ourselves. I realized that I never really pay attention to me. I am a sweet loving person naturally. I don’t identify those actions as loving & thoughtful & kind & considerate. I actually do things for the most part with no thought at all. But when I take proper inventory of myself I’m aware of really how nice I am. I didn’t always think I’m a nice person because someone’s always telling me I’m mean or I’m evil & I begin to seriously doubt myself. I understand why I act out sometimes. I recognize that those behaviors come from a place of hurt. But none of that erases the fact that I am very thoughtful & extremely loving, responsible, dependable & reliable. I work hard, I try hard, I think hard, entirely too hard sometimes. But I’m walking around on this earth just really wanting to be a good human being & there really isn’t that much bad inside of me. Most things that people would consider bad behavior when analyzed properly essentially come from a place of pain being acted out. Knowing this, I can have compassion for myself & understand that all I need is a little love, much like the love I give to others.

It is so refreshing, it feels so good to realize that I really am a nice person, a nice woman, a loving woman. Why would I think otherwise to begin with? From childhood, one way or another I was invalidated by others & for this reason I invalidate myself. It is so easy to accept what is said to you about you when you, your experiences and/or your feelings are never given a space to exist. Look at yourself on the inside & notice the times when you are loving, notice when you’re kind, protective, sweet, caring, dependable, reliable, and/or considerate. Give yourself love for those acts. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. You’re not as bad as you think. None of us are as bad as we think. Give yourself the opportunity to realize how wonderful you are. Be kind to yourself.

Today I was thinking about someone who hurt me. I thought about how angry I felt towards them & about what they did to me. I felt the most & the strongest amount of hatred towards this person than I had ever felt in a very long time. Then I thought about a message that had been given to me sometime before. “What you do to others you do to yourself”. That also means what you wish for others you wish for yourself. So if I hate another & I wish ill will & suffering for another I also hate & wish ill will & suffering for myself. It also stands to reason that when this someone betrayed me they were actually betraying themselves. So instead today I prayed that God allow them to see the effects their actions have on others. I asked God to allow them to see the damage they cause through their destructive behaviors. By doing so I am being loving & kind to them. I am also being loving & kind to myself because when I asked God to show them the negative affects their behavior has on others, I also prayed that prayer for myself. I also asked that God may allow me to see how I cause death & destruction along the way as I relate to other people.  So I say pray for your enemies knowing that your enemies are merely a reflection of yourself. Which means no one is our enemy.  There is no difference between me & you. We have no enemies if what I do to you I do to myself because doing to you is the same as doing to self. Instead of hating myself I will love myself including all reflections of me.

Your task is not to seek for love but merely to seek & find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it

-A Course in Miracles

Me & my God were talking in the shower this morning about how I have an ungrateful spirit. I was talking to God about how I know I should be grateful but I really just don’t feel it. A few minutes later when I got out I got the urge to pray so I called my boyfriend & started to give God thanks. This a little bit of that conversation about thanks between me & God afterwards.

God I just want to say thank you. I was walking home from work the other day & I saw a young man walk up under the bridge. I asked my boyfriend where he was going my boyfriend told me he lived there. I thank you God cause it’s really not that bad. I have a key to turn & central heating & air conditioning. That young man has to sleep outside in the elements & as much as I complain it’s really not that bad for me. Thank you. There once was a time where my former boyfriend lost his job & my job cut my hours & things were tight. I was scared & so was he because we didn’t know how we were going to pay our rent. I thank you God because it’s not that bad for me. I am able to purchase groceries & all my bills were paid on time if not early last month. All my needs were met. Thank you.

I complain a lot sometimes. Too much for my own liking & my own good. It’s really not bad at all. We think it is but then when you hear about the people of Flint, Michigan being given contaminated water, have to spend money on bottled water just to take a bath, children being permanently brain damaged & still getting a monthly bill for two years for water they can not use, you realize all you have been complaining for is really nothing at all. Some people have REAL problems & not being able to attend Jouvert this year ain’t it. Thank you God for my circumstances because it really could be so much worse.

love yourself, love life, love god

I was telling God once I needed peace. I was explaining the situation. I work 40 hours a week. My schedule is never the same. I get my schedule the Wednesday before the week starts so I feel I don’t have enough time to plan. The man is always home so I have no time to myself etc. I explained what I wanted. I want to wake up at 6 & have absolute & total quiet until about 9 or 9:30. I want 1 day a week totally to myself. The same day every single week. I want 1 day with the man, preferably Sunday & I want to not have to deal with people until about 12. I was very specific.

You know what God told me? Stop waiting for circumstances to show up the way you want them to before you do what you need to do for yourself. God said you can’t wait “until” for you to find peace. You won’t need peace then but you need it now. God said you need it here during this time not when the struggle is over. She said take peace where you can get it. Enjoy peace where & when you find it & take advantage of the peace that is present all around you.

The world is not going to stop for you & why should it? It doesn’t revolve around you or any of us. People are not going to organize their lives to accommodate me & it would be delusional of me to think they should. I wrote a blog post once about not waiting for others to celebrate you. If you wait on others you might be waiting a lifetime & what if it never happens? The same rule applies here. If I wait on a particular set of circumstances to show up in my life I might never get what I want. Peace is present always & I don’t have to look for it because it never left me. Thank you God because that was a blessing to me.

*on a side note*
You see how God answers prayers? Fast quick & in a hurry. I asked for peace & God said “Girl boo. Here I got all kinds of that which one you want? LOL

love yourself, love life, love god

Pride is not a problem as much as the lying we do for the sake of it. We lie to hide that we need or want stuff that we’re too afraid or ashamed to admit or acknowledge we want or need. We tell ourselves lies like “I’m okay.” & “It doesn’t hurt.” We lie to others because we have to maintain the lie we tell to ourselves. It is this denial that is the sin. When we say we don’t need that also means we don’t ask & because we don’t ask we don’t get. We essentially are our own undoing. Me & my shame & the lies I tell because of that shame are the cause of my continued suffering. It is the lie not the pride that is at fault. Tell the truth today even if it’s only to yourself.

Today I’m grateful for

1. Time to myself
2. The understanding you’ve given me
3. The honesty I felt in saying those things
4. The blessings you give me by saying the truth to myself
5. The observations I have while telling the truth

Today I thank God for

1. The blessing that come with meditating
2. The loving lessons you brought me this morning
3. The loving honesty

love yourself, love life, love god

When I was younger I called myself Harriet the Spy because I observed everything & wrote it down. I kind of enjoyed knowing what everyone was talking about & not saying anything. I liked the fact that I knew secrets & didn’t tell anyone what I knew. I just wrote them down because I was a spy & that’s what spies do. It was fun. I enjoyed writing.

At some point people became curious & started reading my secrets, private thoughts, feelings, everything. All of it was there & they read it. That was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened. I didn’t talk to my parents because they weren’t available. I didn’t have any friends really. I honestly did not feel safe around people.

I stopped writing for a really long time. I could no longer keep a journal. I could start but I couldn’t finish. I was always scared to write down what I was feeling in fear of someone finding it & reading it & using it against me. Writing was my safe place. The ONLY place I ever felt safe was on a page. Here there was no judgement, no fear. I could say exactly what I wanted & I had control. Pure freedom. Between those pages I could be the me I wanted to be & not the me I pretended to be because I kept the real me safely inside.

So cut to about a year ago & I’m experiencing something difficult & all I want to do is write about it but I’m seriously afraid. I am afraid because if I talk about the experience from my perspective, as I really want to, I suspect someone will find it & use my private self against me. I make the decision to suck it up & bury it they way I did everything else.

I’m talking to someone about my decision to start a blog a few months ago. The topic of my past experience comes up. I tell her I’m afraid of what people would think & how they will treat me after. She says to me (to paraphrase) she understands my fear & that it definitely is a tricky situation but it is my responsibility to do what is necessary to make myself feel better. I have attempted to have certain conversations with members of my family about things but it hasn’t helped. I have been to counseling about 3 times & it helps but the problem is still sitting in my system. I need to talk about it in a space where I am free. I heard Iyanla say once a wound needs a witness. My wounds need one too. Even if the only witness is me.

With all this being said, I write this blog because it is my responsibility to make myself feel better. I write this blog because I am claiming a space for myself to be as I am without judgement. I write this blog because I need to tell the truth about my experiences even if it’s only to myself.

love yourself, love life, love god