My S.O. recently started working overnight & before he got home I had made him breakfast. I left to go grocery shopping & 2 hours later I came back & he was asleep. I made him lunch so he wouldn’t have to worry about cooking because he was so tired. He had worked 12 hours & 15 the night before. I made him lunch & felt a sense of pride in myself. It wasn’t because I was playing out some typical female stereotype. It was because often I don’t have an accurate perspective on myself & in that moment I caught myself being kind & lovable & thoughtful & I felt full of joy. In that moment I removed myself from my self & fell into the gap with the silent witness & fell in love with myself because I realized I’m not as bad I thought.
God! We are SO HARD on OURSELVES & often times we don’t take the time to really observe ourselves. I realized that I never really pay attention to me. I am a sweet loving person naturally. I don’t identify those actions as loving & thoughtful & kind & considerate. I actually do things for the most part with no thought at all. But when I take proper inventory of myself I’m aware of really how nice I am. I didn’t always think I’m a nice person because someone’s always telling me I’m mean or I’m evil & I begin to seriously doubt myself. I understand why I act out sometimes. I recognize that those behaviors come from a place of hurt. But none of that erases the fact that I am very thoughtful & extremely loving, responsible, dependable & reliable. I work hard, I try hard, I think hard, entirely too hard sometimes. But I’m walking around on this earth just really wanting to be a good human being & there really isn’t that much bad inside of me. Most things that people would consider bad behavior when analyzed properly essentially come from a place of pain being acted out. Knowing this, I can have compassion for myself & understand that all I need is a little love, much like the love I give to others.
It is so refreshing, it feels so good to realize that I really am a nice person, a nice woman, a loving woman. Why would I think otherwise to begin with? From childhood, one way or another I was invalidated by others & for this reason I invalidate myself. It is so easy to accept what is said to you about you when you, your experiences and/or your feelings are never given a space to exist. Look at yourself on the inside & notice the times when you are loving, notice when you’re kind, protective, sweet, caring, dependable, reliable, and/or considerate. Give yourself love for those acts. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. You’re not as bad as you think. None of us are as bad as we think. Give yourself the opportunity to realize how wonderful you are. Be kind to yourself.