THIS IS AWKWARD BUT LETS GO FOR IT

If you really want something you’ll find a way. If you don’t you’ll find an excuse.

I say I want a lot of things but those “lot of things I want”, I don’t have them. Do I really want them? Or do I want to do enough to get by? I’ve laid out a structure for how I want my life to go. I have it all planned out. A very disciplined life in which there is yoga in the morning, meditation twice a day & vegan meals every day. There is journaling, deep thinking & realizations going on. I get satisfaction from feeling productive & my accomplishments. It doesn’t work out that way.

A friend would ask me all the time, “If you could do ANYTHING & get paid for it what would you do?” My answer was always “Live.” It sounds like a stupid answer to me because most people would usually name some profession. Living is a given. You don’t need to get paid for that but that’s always what I’ve said. It sounded like a somewhat unrealistic dream but I knew in my mind it would be possible. Live the life I want and get paid to simply be.

It started with my frustration with the act of being employed by others & everything that means. Punching a clock, having to take instruction from someone you consider incompetent, putting up with company policy that is so fucking stupid, messy ass coworkers that stay in your assigned tasks & never in their own, having to do THE MOST to get the TINIEST of raises if you even get one at all, no loyalty in the work place, employers firing you with no notice but expect you to give them two weeks before you leave, etc. All of it is a form of bondage to me. Having to play according to the rules of workplace politics doesn’t feel natural to me because it’s not. I would really like to tell my boss, “I’m gonna see my period in a week & you trying my patience with your ‘white man’ bullshit today”, but if I do I lose my job & I can’t do that right now. I really just want to be human everywhere I go & not feel I have to be what others need all the time. Not being able to be myself is exhausting. Being employed by others requires from you what they don’t give in return. I genuinely hate it but I do it because I am not in a position to employ myself fulltime. I went to college but I do not have a college degree because I didn’t finish. For that reason, at the time I felt it limited me in terms of job opportunities & especially how much I get paid. Add to that I’m not a woman who knows the art of properly negotiating pay. I hated how much I got paid & still do. I always said in order for someone to pay me what I’m worth they would have to cover ALL of my living expenses. They would have to pay me how much it would cost me to live my life the way I see fit. No employer is going to do that with out you giving up something more valuable in return.

So cut to this blog. I genuinely want this to be a place where I am free & I can tell the truth where I feel I can’t tell it elsewhere. I want to give people permission to tell the embarrassing truth about things by being able to do it myself. I want to live my life & blog about it, hoping it will be okay for others to tell the truth they hide even from themselves.

So here’s my embarrassing truth for this week.
1. I procrastinate.
2. I make excuses & I’m not exactly sure which ones are actually legitimate, if at all.
3. I’m lazy.
4. I’m impatient.
5. As much as I want this as a profession, every time I step to this page I am frozen by fear.
6. Sometimes I’m a real bitch & I HATE it.
7. I’ve got a mean streak that needs to properly be addressed because it’s getting out of hand.
8. I’ve got to do something about my anger.
9. I’m scared I will fail.
10. I’m inconsistent.

These are embarrassing for me to admit but if I don’t say it I will continue to make some excuse & be here next year talking about the same shit. If I say it maybe I won’t afraid anymore & move from doing enough to get by & into finding a way to what I really want.

love yourself, love life, love god

I DON’T NEED TO QUALIFY MY WORTH

Sometimes we feel it’s better to believe negatively about ourselves than to believe positively. We feel if we believe we’re worthy someone will come along & show us that we’re not & then it will hurt so much more because we thought something of ourselves & we were wrong. We feel if we believe the bad things instead we can never be wrong.

What if I believe I’m worthy of love & respect & someone comes along & mistreats me? If I’m unsure of myself I feel I’m not worth enough because of the way I’m treated. We might not think we’re good enough to demand love & respect from others because we think we’re ugly, we don’t have a car, good credit, a good paying job or lots of money. Some of us think we must not be in a position to be demanding because we lack so much; a good face, little waist, fat ass or long hair. We can think & feel one way about ourselves but if others don’t see us as we see us we feel we might as well defer to their judgement because it’s safer.

Self confidence is great but we are not always self confident. We see everyone’s Facebook statuses & Instagram photos & wonder “Why can’t I be that confident all the time?” They’re not even confident all the time. What you’re seeing is the best of 10,000 bad moments. The strongest of a dozen weak. Confidence sometimes is a REAL struggle for all of us. I once read something on valuing ourselves in which it talks about the different perspectives we could take. I reviewed them all & came to my own conclusion. Don’t try to “place” value on yourself.

The moment I try to measure or quantify my value is the moment I set myself up for disappointment. What if you come up with a list of all the reasons you are worthy of love, valuable, etc. & one of those reasons no longer apply? Does your value change? Does your worth go up or down dependent upon how many things in your list are currently true? Instead I choose to say this:

I’m here.

It might seem a little anticlimactic but think about it. That’s a really big deal.

love yourself, love life, love god

#blackgirlmagic

I am black. That is completely obvious once you see me. Melanin kinky hair & all. I only saw European examples of beauty & eventually came to the conclusion that being black & beautiful was an exception or rare occurrence so I didn’t like the way I looked. I didn’t even want to be white I just wanted to be lighter & “pretty”, meaning straight long hair & different colored eyes so I can at least be “other”. Every excepted form of beauty fell within the European standard which left black women out completely, which left me out completely. This meant I wasn’t beautiful.

Some time in my twenties that changed. It was gradual but eventually one day I corrected my posture, got in my zone like…

& dropped one of these stunt moves on the world like…

& started moving through this world much different. I am here to promote love of self as you NATURALLY ARE & that includes your hair texture. I want you to look at yourself & know black is beautiful. Teen Vogue did a series with Amandla Stenberg that I think is a good place to start.

*click, read, share & comment*

http://www.teenvogue.com/story/amandla-stenberg-teen-vogue-exclusive-video-series

love yourself, love life, love god

TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

I used to think the thing you are afraid of doing is the very thing you should do otherwise you will always be afraid of it. Sometimes that’s not always true. Last week I had been trying to write on a particular topic since Wednesday & it just wouldn’t happen. I was frightened by it & very afraid of the possible consequences if I had discussed it, in it’s entirety, the way I felt it. I told myself “If you don’t face this you will always be afraid.” So I continued for the next few days with no positive results.

Yesterday I began to feel the worst anxiety over it & gave up. Later in the day I spoke with a friend. I explained the situation. He basically told me I should write about it but I shouldn’t post it until I was confident enough that it wouldn’t matter to me what others said. I told him I thought I should write about it because I was afraid & if I could do this then I wouldn’t be & it would make me stronger. He said usually he would agree but not in this case.

By me essentially forcing myself to do something I’m ultimately not ready for I’m causing myself even more distress & making it even more difficult for me to do.  He said sometimes you’ve got to be a little more gentle with yourself. Gentle. I didn’t even think of that. You would think that would be obvious to me but it wasn’t. This is something I need to learn. I am always so hard on myself. Never giving myself the proper space I need to do anything difficult & never taking into consideration my emotional needs. Maybe instead of beating myself up I just need to take this as my body’s natural way of telling me “I want to do this but I’m genuinely not ready yet & don’t make me.”

Now I think about it this is a pattern for me. Some of the most significant decisions I’ve made were made because it was what I thought I should do, instead of considering whether or not I was actually ready. I pray God help me to keep this firmly planted in my mind. Show gentleness, tenderness & patience with myself. In the meantime, he said there are other things to talk about. I can always come back to it when it’s time. Giving myself the room to breath has definitely made me feel better. Just because I can’t do something now doesn’t mean I won’t ever do. It just means not today. It doesn’t make me weak because I can’t do it now. In the meantime I think a little Otis is appropriate this morning. Happy Sunday & deuce.

Watch “Otis Redding Try A Little Tenderness Video]” on YouTube

love yourself, love life, love god

RESPECT

When people love you they respect you. That’s it. There’s more to love then that of course but when a person loves you they WILL respect you period. No debate, no discussion, no argument. There will be no begging & pleading & no demanding a thousand times. If a person loves you respect will come always because love is a verb, which basically means to hold dear or value & in the act of showing that we value one thing or another, in the act of showing that we value one person or another, respect will come as a default.

Like some people I have someone in my life that is totally disrespectful to me in their words & in theirs & I am selling myself short by involving myself with them. Why do I do it? Honestly at first it was because I really wanted to believe they loved me like they say they do but they don’t & I know that now. I know that what I want from them is impossible. They aren’t capable in anyway of giving it to me. It’s disappointing but I know they really just can’t respect me to save their life, because they don’t even respect themselves. It’s possible they don’t even know what respect looks, sounds, tastes, smells or feels like. God don’t have to tell me no more. I got it loud & clear. They ain’t shit & that’s just the way it is.

With that being said I really don’t take it personal anymore. Now I just see their lack of respect for me as some type of affliction like turrets or something. They really just can’t help the disrespect that comes out of their mouth or their actions & it has nothing to do with me. Before I would’ve been so heartbroken & consumed by it that it would’ve taken over my thoughts. Not now because I know it’s not me. Sometimes I thought the reason this person would hurt me was because there was something wrong with me, I wasn’t good enough, I was a bad person, or I wasn’t perfect. None of that is the case. That shows you how little I thought of myself. It still hurts of course but truth is, some people are just crazy & I’m one to leave others to their afflictions. You see how I’m growing? Look at God #wonthedoit

Comments are welcome below. Have a good day.

love yourself, love life, love god

CELEBRATE YOURSELF

I recently had a birthday & I celebrated myself for four days straight. I don’t mean I hit the club every night. I mean I just did something special specifically for me & no one else. I sung my own praises, I told myself I am great & I told myself I am important.

I usually cry every year on my birthday because my birthday was never anything special. No one ever celebrated me so I learned to not celebrate myself. I haven’t so much as congratulated myself on managing to be a decent human being or making it through a difficult emotional time. I can congratulate & be happy for other people, I can support & encourage other people but I can never do that for myself. I don’t know how because I wasn’t taught.

So here I am at the ripe age of 32 & I’m still learning about love, specifically love of self. So this year I did things differently. I took four days off from work. I got a pedicure, did my nails, arched these brows & took selfies. I dressed up, went shopping & adorned myself with gold (which I love). I wore one of my favorite outfits, got tipsy in the middle of the day & danced until the rum was gone. I partied by my lonesome.

Then I understood. I don’t need no one to celebrate me. If “they” won’t I’ll just celebrate my [damn] self. I can guarantee I will feel down again, but over time & with some practice I won’t need to cause I’ve got myself to cheer me up. I feel uncomfortable when I take time to care for me & properly give myself what I want & feel I need outside of eating healthy & sleep, but I’ll get better. I know because I feel better doing it already. I feel happy.

I want to start a discussion. What are your thoughts, as women, about how often we give ourselves congratulations? Do you ever feel guilty? Why? If not, what has helped you feel comfortable with being there for yourself in that way?

love yourself, love life, love god

THANK YOU FOR THE LESSON

I’m not going to be satisfied with myself or what I’m bringing unless I be honest, so I’m just going to honest. There’s an asshole in my life. He’s an asshole, straight up & down, ass, hole. In an episode of The Boondocks Dr. King said:

“…niggas are living contradictions
niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions
niggas watch and wait
niggas love to complain
niggas love to hear themselves talk but hate to explain
niggas love being another mans judge and jury
niggas procrastinate until it’s time to worry
niggas love to be late
niggas hate to hurry…”

Replace the word “niggas” with “assholes” & that’s his ass all day. I used to try to live up to his expectations but now I understand that’s never going to happen. He’s never going to be completely satisfied with anything because he has an ungrateful spirit & therefore is consistently unsatisfied with everything. Any satisfaction would only be short lived, because you just can’t please some niggas OR assholes.

I no longer care about his expectations or his approval, because his approval is no longer important to me. His approval is no longer important because I no longer value his opinion. I would have valued his opinion if I respected his opinion but I don’t. I no longer respect his opinion because I no longer respect him.

Thank you for never loving me the way I needed to be loved. Thank you for never protecting me as you should. Thank you for placing other people & things over me when I should have come first. Thank you for breaking your promises & lying to me & about me because you showed you could not be trusted. I’m not bitter. I’m okay. I was going to be sad about it but then I decided not to because I understand I don’t have to be. I can just be a better me so I don’t end up like you.

What I figured out is this: I’m definitely not where I want to be in life yet, but I’m damn sure not going to get there worrying about him & why he hurt my feelings. I’ve just gotta keep moving. In the meantime what I can do is say “thank you” for the lesson however it may come, even if I don’t care for the one who taught me. If not for the disappointments I would not know I could be so resilient. If not for his inconsistency I wouldn’t know I could be so resourceful. If he had given me everything I thought was owed to me how would I know I was fully capable of getting it myself? I wouldn’t & that’s the point.