I used to think the thing you are afraid of doing is the very thing you should do otherwise you will always be afraid of it. Sometimes that’s not always true. Last week I had been trying to write on a particular topic since Wednesday & it just wouldn’t happen. I was frightened by it & very afraid of the possible consequences if I had discussed it, in it’s entirety, the way I felt it. I told myself “If you don’t face this you will always be afraid.” So I continued for the next few days with no positive results.
Yesterday I began to feel the worst anxiety over it & gave up. Later in the day I spoke with a friend. I explained the situation. He basically told me I should write about it but I shouldn’t post it until I was confident enough that it wouldn’t matter to me what others said. I told him I thought I should write about it because I was afraid & if I could do this then I wouldn’t be & it would make me stronger. He said usually he would agree but not in this case.
By me essentially forcing myself to do something I’m ultimately not ready for I’m causing myself even more distress & making it even more difficult for me to do. He said sometimes you’ve got to be a little more gentle with yourself. Gentle. I didn’t even think of that. You would think that would be obvious to me but it wasn’t. This is something I need to learn. I am always so hard on myself. Never giving myself the proper space I need to do anything difficult & never taking into consideration my emotional needs. Maybe instead of beating myself up I just need to take this as my body’s natural way of telling me “I want to do this but I’m genuinely not ready yet & don’t make me.”
Now I think about it this is a pattern for me. Some of the most significant decisions I’ve made were made because it was what I thought I should do, instead of considering whether or not I was actually ready. I pray God help me to keep this firmly planted in my mind. Show gentleness, tenderness & patience with myself. In the meantime, he said there are other things to talk about. I can always come back to it when it’s time. Giving myself the room to breath has definitely made me feel better. Just because I can’t do something now doesn’t mean I won’t ever do. It just means not today. It doesn’t make me weak because I can’t do it now. In the meantime I think a little Otis is appropriate this morning. Happy Sunday & deuce.
Watch “Otis Redding Try A Little Tenderness Video]” on YouTube
love yourself, love life, love god