If you really want something you’ll find a way. If you don’t you’ll find an excuse.

I say I want a lot of things but those “lot of things I want”, I don’t have them. Do I really want them? Or do I want to do enough to get by? I’ve laid out a structure for how I want my life to go. I have it all planned out. A very disciplined life in which there is yoga in the morning, meditation twice a day & vegan meals every day. There is journaling, deep thinking & realizations going on. I get satisfaction from feeling productive & my accomplishments. It doesn’t work out that way.

A friend would ask me all the time, “If you could do ANYTHING & get paid for it what would you do?” My answer was always “Live.” It sounds like a stupid answer to me because most people would usually name some profession. Living is a given. You don’t need to get paid for that but that’s always what I’ve said. It sounded like a somewhat unrealistic dream but I knew in my mind it would be possible. Live the life I want and get paid to simply be.

It started with my frustration with the act of being employed by others & everything that means. Punching a clock, having to take instruction from someone you consider incompetent, putting up with company policy that is so fucking stupid, messy ass coworkers that stay in your assigned tasks & never in their own, having to do THE MOST to get the TINIEST of raises if you even get one at all, no loyalty in the work place, employers firing you with no notice but expect you to give them two weeks before you leave, etc. All of it is a form of bondage to me. Having to play according to the rules of workplace politics doesn’t feel natural to me because it’s not. I would really like to tell my boss, “I’m gonna see my period in a week & you trying my patience with your ‘white man’ bullshit today”, but if I do I lose my job & I can’t do that right now. I really just want to be human everywhere I go & not feel I have to be what others need all the time. Not being able to be myself is exhausting. Being employed by others requires from you what they don’t give in return. I genuinely hate it but I do it because I am not in a position to employ myself fulltime. I went to college but I do not have a college degree because I didn’t finish. For that reason, at the time I felt it limited me in terms of job opportunities & especially how much I get paid. Add to that I’m not a woman who knows the art of properly negotiating pay. I hated how much I got paid & still do. I always said in order for someone to pay me what I’m worth they would have to cover ALL of my living expenses. They would have to pay me how much it would cost me to live my life the way I see fit. No employer is going to do that with out you giving up something more valuable in return.

So cut to this blog. I genuinely want this to be a place where I am free & I can tell the truth where I feel I can’t tell it elsewhere. I want to give people permission to tell the embarrassing truth about things by being able to do it myself. I want to live my life & blog about it, hoping it will be okay for others to tell the truth they hide even from themselves.

So here’s my embarrassing truth for this week.
1. I procrastinate.
2. I make excuses & I’m not exactly sure which ones are actually legitimate, if at all.
3. I’m lazy.
4. I’m impatient.
5. As much as I want this as a profession, every time I step to this page I am frozen by fear.
6. Sometimes I’m a real bitch & I HATE it.
7. I’ve got a mean streak that needs to properly be addressed because it’s getting out of hand.
8. I’ve got to do something about my anger.
9. I’m scared I will fail.
10. I’m inconsistent.

These are embarrassing for me to admit but if I don’t say it I will continue to make some excuse & be here next year talking about the same shit. If I say it maybe I won’t afraid anymore & move from doing enough to get by & into finding a way to what I really want.

love yourself, love life, love god