I’m not going to be satisfied with myself or what I’m bringing unless I be honest, so I’m just going to honest. There’s an asshole in my life. He’s an asshole, straight up & down, ass, hole. In an episode of The Boondocks Dr. King said:
“…niggas are living contradictions
niggas are full of unfulfilled ambitions
niggas watch and wait
niggas love to complain
niggas love to hear themselves talk but hate to explain
niggas love being another mans judge and jury
niggas procrastinate until it’s time to worry
niggas love to be late
niggas hate to hurry…”
Replace the word “niggas” with “assholes” & that’s his ass all day. I used to try to live up to his expectations but now I understand that’s never going to happen. He’s never going to be completely satisfied with anything because he has an ungrateful spirit & therefore is consistently unsatisfied with everything. Any satisfaction would only be short lived, because you just can’t please some niggas OR assholes.
I no longer care about his expectations or his approval, because his approval is no longer important to me. His approval is no longer important because I no longer value his opinion. I would have valued his opinion if I respected his opinion but I don’t. I no longer respect his opinion because I no longer respect him.
Thank you for never loving me the way I needed to be loved. Thank you for never protecting me as you should. Thank you for placing other people & things over me when I should have come first. Thank you for breaking your promises & lying to me & about me because you showed you could not be trusted. I’m not bitter. I’m okay. I was going to be sad about it but then I decided not to because I understand I don’t have to be. I can just be a better me so I don’t end up like you.
What I figured out is this: I’m definitely not where I want to be in life yet, but I’m damn sure not going to get there worrying about him & why he hurt my feelings. I’ve just gotta keep moving. In the meantime what I can do is say “thank you” for the lesson however it may come, even if I don’t care for the one who taught me. If not for the disappointments I would not know I could be so resilient. If not for his inconsistency I wouldn’t know I could be so resourceful. If he had given me everything I thought was owed to me how would I know I was fully capable of getting it myself? I wouldn’t & that’s the point.